A bit of thought on the morning of March 5th

I just feel like sometimes, I can be really harsh on myself for every mistake, for every circumstance that I’m out of control. I recently went to school therapy because I know I need it. Rather than doing something, I spend most of my time sitting and worrying that I ended up barely studying.

I don’t want to go to eat at Mather because bad food makes me feel awful. I would rather eat somewhere good because I do think that food brings me joy. I don’t know why it associates me with joy that much but it might be because going to a restaurant or dining out was how my family back then enjoyed time together so I got a lot of peace and joy from doing that. (this was so random)

Back again to my therapy story, the thing I learned from my therapist is that I should give myself some time and stop being so harsh on myself. I realized today that I miss the chance of being a Research Assistant that would get paid and I was so angry at myself. I wish I started earlier, and I felt so down for the past hour when I should be studying for my exam that I did so bad last time. And then I felt angry and disappointed in myself for not effectively studying. Then I started to scroll my phone to look for something good to soothe me down, then I thought of how much money I already spent on food and how problematic I am. I didn’t dare to tell the story to my friend because I feel so pathetic myself, and now I’m literally telling it to those who are reading this blog.

This is so funny and ridiculous. I need to give myself permission to fail, to feel sad, and to take time off because I know that I have been trying hard. The reason why I sit here and am able to study at Trinity is that I haven’t stopped trying for the last two years. So I know that I’m trying hard and doing everything I can. I cannot be greedy and want to control things that I might not be able to control.